Peace Blog

Flying Mind

10/7/2010

My meditation practice seems to continually swing between success and lonely pain. The latter occurs when I haven't been to a Buddhist Center or temple for a while, when I've been sitting on my cushion all alone and the blessings seem to have flown out the window.

I am struck by the stubborn rigid nature of my mind. The voice that firmly states 'I CANNOT meditate. I WILL NOT meditate. So don't even try." I give in to this voice. I attempt a 2-minute spin, and then give up; press play to i-tunes so that I can finish the rest of the prayers.

I don't even give myself a chance to settle.

I see the same problem in my writing practice. Before I've really had a chance to let loose and write, the critic pipes up and informs me that my writing is rubbish so stand up, go do the washing up, do some more work, make a cup of tea. I get up and abandon the work. Before I've even begun.

How do I get around this problem?

I suppose that the first step, is to move beyond the wall, the clamps that come down. I need to remember the sight of the sea kites soaring in the thermals rising from Victoria Peak, the effortless flight that comes about when we stop manically flapping our own wings and give in to a greater force. I need to remember the sheer joy that comes from a calm, happy and focused dissolution of mind. I need to move my attention from my brain down to my root mind, the vacuole at the heart chakra. I need to be patient. I need to be kind. I need to remember bodhichitta, that it's the wish to help all sentient beings that is driving this meditation session–not the mind of self-cherishing...

And finally, I need to ask for help. I need to bring my hands to my heart, create the shape of a mandala with my fingers and offer the universe to the holy beings. Ask them for help. Because the biggest realization I think I have had in my meditation practice, is coming to see that we're not alone as we sit on the cushion. If we manage to get beyond that screaming narrative of the intellect, and bring our awareness right down into our root mind. If we are able to dissolve the torrent of waves back into the stillness of that deep place. Then we are connecting to our Buddha nature. And we are connecting to the realized mind that permeates all matter. And that nagging little self, the source of all our problems, just melts into the clear light.

Photo credit: Wing Chi

2 Comments

Crescent Moon

10/9/2010 03:09:07 am

I know what you mean about the critic—such a drag on your energy.

When I was a teenager and starting to try to write songs on my guitar, I had that problem too. I'd be so busy judging whether what I came up with was good that it wouldn't flow. What I finally did was I started tape recording myself as I just messed around. If I liked something I could go back and get it from the tape, and if I didn't I could just let it go. That helped me get it flowing.

I've read that for good brainstorming, you *have* to just give your permission to think of anything, good or bad. Separate the phase of thinking of stuff from the phase of checking whether it's any good. Because if you check each idea as it comes out, you stifle yourself. It has a "chilling effect," as they say in first amendment law.

The nice thing about writing is that the recording of it is built in. So maybe you just need to give yourself permission to write rubbish and see what gems you find in it. Write and write and write, and assume that you'll throw away 90% of it. I think it's more important to get the juices flowing than to do it well. Once the juices flow you'll get good stuff in there with the rubbish, and you can sort it afterwards.

Another angle, and I think this angle applies more easily to both writing and meditation, is to really take the word "practice" seriously. You practice because you're not good at something yet and you want to improve, so you should expect *while* you're practicing that you still won't be good at it yet. When you sit down to meditate, you're just practicing. Like, practicing the mind of universal compassion, or practicing the mind of renunciation. You're practicing those minds because you're not good at them yet, and through practicing you'll get better. But the goal is not to sit down and do it perfectly from the beginning. If you could do that already you wouldn't even need to meditate. You can practice writing, too, and what you type or put down on paper doesn't have to be good yet. It's just to get more familiarity with the flow of language, how to put words together, how to put paragraphs together, all of that. I think the mind of "practicing" can enjoy both writing and meditation, because it's just about doing it rather than about doing it well enough.

I'm not a writer, but I need to be reminded of these things too in my own meditation practice and in other things. Thanks, Clare!

Clare

10/10/2010 01:00:19 am

Awesome. You have no idea how much i needed to hear that advice. The perfectionist is thus being booted out the door. Huge thanks!

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.

Flying Mind